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[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
The dog seemed okay with living in a Jewish household until we scheduled his circumcision
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
If there’s ever an alien invasion I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.
The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
#damn
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder