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My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese