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When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Me: What did you do at school today?
My kid: Nothing.
School FB page: *photo of him riding in a fire engine*
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
In a parallel universe a group of mystery solving sasquatch teens are unmasking The Velma that’s been chasing them all night.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.