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I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
hmmmmmm
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
What a year we’ve had this week.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..