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“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
How I like cutting carbs
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
New parent: our kids are only going to eat healthy food
That same parent, 3 kids later: it’s ok to have cookies for breakfast
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.