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INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.