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When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance
My typo game is string.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
I’m literally crying
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Please, I am begging you.
Stop looking at weird sh*t on your company-issued laptops.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms