You Might Also Like
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
You’re not my real can
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
[two years ago]
me: planet with the rings?
google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia
[now]
me: does italy exist
google: nope.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
I found myself sitting beside the doctor who delivered me 42 years ago so I asked “do you remember me?” and he looked at me all serious and replied “it’s hard to tell when you’re wearing clothes”
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.