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If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
I just got lied to by 3557 people. That recipe was awful.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Stop judging people for what app they escape reality with and go back to judging them for what month they were born in
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
They did not think through this water fountain
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything