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*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
😭😭😭
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.