You Might Also Like
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Therapist: what do we do when we are angry?
Me: we yell at people and then apologise later
Therapist: what do you need me for?
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
ready to be harvested
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
this 4 hour meeting could have just been someone pulling my finger nails off one by one with pliers.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good
(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk