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I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
I would love to have children one day. Two days maximum
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.