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My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.