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“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.