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The next person to ring the doorbell on a Saturday trying to sell something will be subjected to my 6yo’s full lecture on lizards, and let me warn you, it’s long
July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
What’s the perfect gif to let everyone know an alien invasion is underway? A prompt response would be appreciated.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.