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10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
My purse is deeper than some people.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
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Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.