You Might Also Like
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Me: *sits down near my cat*
My cat: That reminds me, I need to bathe loudly.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?