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It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Ummm 😳
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI get absolutely no work done and then throw their coworker under the bus as soon as their boss asks about it
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
According to my fitness app, I ate 5 miles of Chicken Parm
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!