You Might Also Like
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Anyone under 6ft 4 who wants to use an umbrella in a crowd should have to do a course.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me