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WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Mom says she’s watching a video about dating fossils.
I wonder if that’s how she met Dad?
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
The summer’s almost over, and I gained 3 beach bodies.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…
“Ow! I’m brined!”