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my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Growing up was a huge mistake
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.