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I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.