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Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
My coworker just told me this funny joke.
A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead