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“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
just go to Settings → Privacy → Data → Do NOT Grind My Bones To Make Your Bread
make sure its switched to “on”
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life