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[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
App: Would you like us to remember you on this device for next time?
Me: Yes.
App: That would be nice, right? lol.
Me: what…
App: Sign in again.
How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
With a text.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair