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Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradableif you care about the planet have unprotected sex!
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
waiter: I’ll be right back with your ticket
me: can you just let me go with a warning this time
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate