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Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
[bedtime]
daughter: dad, i’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while i’m sleeping
me: don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first
daughter: …
me: night, sweetheart
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.