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Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
12 yo: I say “mucho” to all my Spanish speaking friends
me: why?
12: bc it means so much to them
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
vegan witches, happy halloween!
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
I need to update my racial profile.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god