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[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.
Everyone you know is fighting battles you don’t know about, except for me who just can not shut up about his battles
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
It’s like this photographer has never seen a woman bring a rotisserie chicken to her Boudoir session before.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap