You Might Also Like
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Remember story of man who phoned work to say he couldn’t get in as there was a Cat on top his car
Employer said
Well shift the bloody Cat & get to work
The Cat was one those CAT tractor type vehicles & atop his car
😂
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”