You Might Also Like
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
The first 7 days of the week aren’t for me
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.