You Might Also Like
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
everyone on this flight out of Philly was relying on the guy who shelled out for in flight wifi to periodically announce the score on the eagles game like the town crier in a midsized medieval village
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
{4 way stop}
Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
I love salt. What does it even feel like to have too much sodium??
*eats one Slim Jim*
Oh.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.