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I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Rudolph with your nose so bright/help me find my phone tonight
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse