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(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.