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There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
and now we wait
“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars