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My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
I’m good, thanks.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
pizza
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.
Put the is in disheveled