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[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
me: hi do you take walk ins?
funeral parlor director: what?
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.