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Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
This makes total sense…
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
TWEET CALL
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[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.