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Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.
They were a jeanious.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Home Alone 2 is crazy because how the hell do you lose your kid twice
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Me: (exists)
Wasp: I have opinions about that
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Australia has an election this year. Wanna talk about it all day, every day, and make it our entire personality?
“What’s wrong with you?”
Me: the same things that are always wrong with me…were you expecting something new?
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
The most refreshing way to fight your personal demons is to make demonade.