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Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
okay run it by me one more time
awkward
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”
“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?