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“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
I giveth and I taketh away because I recycleth.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me