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My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
i choose….tongue
diva inflation rises at an alarming rate
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
This is sending me to another galaxy
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades