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[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Me: Do you have a Summer menu?
Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.
Me:
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself