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An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Wolf: [in sheep’s clothing] let me in
Pig: nope
Wolf: [walking away] this costume sucks
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Corn Dogs: Uninserted
goldfish mafia
