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[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Yeah. This was me today.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.