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Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
My torso when sleeping: “Make it 96 degrees and toasty please”
My arms and legs while sleeping: “Is this hell? I think we’re in hell! Abandon all blankets”
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
