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British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.