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I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Not to be all get off my lawn about it but at what point are we going to decide that maybe our vacuums and our refrigerators don’t need to connect to the internet and I shouldn’t need to have a password to do my laundry.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.