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Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Hey that’s my circus! *does double take* And my monkeys!!
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Relationships are all about compromises. If your partner wants the control of the tv remote, you get to control the thermostat.
Easy peasy.
Also I’m divorced
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind