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professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date
Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.