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[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
What if we kissed underneath the tree filled with escaped research monkeys
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
When I asked my son who the best reader in his class was, he said, “probably ms sue.”
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
