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if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
when i quit my job i’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
I love reading replies to long-deleted tweets and comments and trying to piece together the original context like some kind of twitter archaeologist
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
No president next term. America needs to be single for a while to focus on herself.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’, dear.”
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.