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I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?