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The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?
my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?
him: no, 100.
10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Why soy sad?
British drink offers for guests:
“Tea?”
“Coffee?”
“Water?”
“Squash?”
“Juice?”
“Beer?”
“Wine?”
“Something stronger perhaps?”
“I think I’ve actually got some [insert any quite obscure drink here] somewhere?”
I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs!”
I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma.” – then it hit me.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.