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“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”