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They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
I might carry a baby with one hand.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”