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relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.