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I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Eggs benadryl my favourite
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?