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[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags
me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
If I wanted unnecessary pockets on my clothing I’d buy clothes made in the 1980s.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
I think they could have phrased this better
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.