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dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not