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There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.