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[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
ZOOKEEPER: So this female python is our oldest snake here at the zoo
ME: *way too loud* A granaconda
ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
🤣🤣🤣
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
This is I, Robot all over again
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Coffee ain’t cutting it anymore. I need to eat batteries. 😭
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.