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PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Children will see a neatly hanging dish towel and be like oh hell no
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.