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Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
𝗦𝗵𝗼𝗿𝘁 𝗽𝗼𝗲𝗺𝘀 𝗱𝗼𝗻’𝘁 𝘄𝗶𝗻 𝗮𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗱𝘀
so imagine
a thousand
bad
stanzas
Great news my neighbor just pedaled by on a road bike wearing spandex and when I waved at him he made finger guns so I’m no longer the least cool neighbor on my street!
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
mathematicians be like “the limit does not exist” ok nerd then how come I’m at mine
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
I saw a guy biking in a park pulling his kid in a chariot behind him and I’ve never been more jealous of a toddler in my life.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
My neighbours say I should travel more, and further away, for longer
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
One of the best
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
uh oh
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.