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*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
This week, we’re celebrating International No Wi-Fi Day! 📴✨
#WawawiwaComics
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them