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Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
She was rare, like a properly pronounced street name from a GPS
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually